


He's a Whipped, Ugly Santa

by fufflepie



Category: Free!
Genre: Christmas, Humor, M/M, Swearing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-25
Updated: 2014-12-25
Packaged: 2018-03-03 12:48:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,892
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2851316
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fufflepie/pseuds/fufflepie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sousuke stares at Makoto, who stares straight back. Sousuke had always considered Makoto the most sensible of the Iwatobi group. But looking at the innocent, clueless expression on his face, Sousuke’s about to retract everything he’s ever known about this guy. </p><p>"I’m not…" He shivers at the thought. "I’m not climbing down a chimney, Makoto."</p>
            </blockquote>





	He's a Whipped, Ugly Santa

"You  _have_ to be kidding me.”

"Please, Sousuke,  _please.”_ Ice-cold breaths fogging his vision, Makoto takes Sousuke’s hands between his. “Please, Sousuke. Just this once.”

Sousuke grimaces, pulling his hand away. He looks away. “ _No,_ Makoto,” he snaps. “I’ve already said this a thousand-” He turns to Makoto. 

What a  _mistake._  

Makoto’s pouting, his nose running from the cold. His eyes, wide and sad, look at Sousuke. It looks like he’s trying to fight back tears. 

Sousuke stares down at Makoto’s trembling hands. And he sighs. It's absolutely _impossible_ to say no to Makoto.     

He looks away again, takes a step back. “…Fine,” he relents. He doesn’t want to see Makoto’s face brighten up. He doesn’t want to be enveloped in a hug. And it’s not because he doesn’t like those kinds of things. After all, they’re coming from Makoto; how could he dislike it? 

He just doesn’t want to look at Makoto. Because he already knows that he’s going to regret it. 

* * *

 And…yup. He regrets it. 

"Come on," Makoto takes Sousuke’s hand in his. "You look  _fine._ ”

"Makoto…" Sousuke uses his free hand to cover his eyes. "I look  _ridiculous._ " 

He’s wearing red. A lot of red. But that’s not all. It’s an oversized suit, heavy and weighing down on his shoulders. There’s a black belt attached to the outfit, but it doesn’t help. Even if he loops it at the tightest it possibly can, all the best it can do is bundle up the excess fabric above the waistline, serving to make him look ten times as hideous. And did he mention how absolutely fuzzy this thing is? It’s made of a thick velvet material and Sousuke has to resist the urge to scratch at every place imaginable. He’s standing just outside of Makoto’s house, it’s snowing, he’s sweating. And ugly. He looks really damn ugly. 

"Oh!" Makoto exclaims, suddenly remembering something. Standing on his tiptoes, he gingerly places a red, pointed hat on Sousuke’s head, playing with it a bit so that it rests at the perfect angle. He hooks a false white beard onto his boyfriend’s face. 

Great. If Sousuke’s torso wasn’t already itchy, then his  _head_ is now. Goodness, what is this beard made out of? It sure doesn’t feel like cotton. 

"You look perfect!" Makoto gives a satisfied smile. 

What a liar. Sousuke looks  _far_ from perfect, and he’s pretty sure that even Makoto knows it. Goodness, he has got to be the ugliest Santa the world has ever been unfortunate enough to see. 

"Come on," Makoto whispers. One finger on his lips (to hush any further complaints from Sousuke, no doubt) he shuffles to the shed, pulling out a ladder. 

"Uh…" Sousuke stares at the ladder. Then at Makoto’s innocent expression. Then back at the ladder. "…What’s the ladder for?"

Makoto blinks. “Isn’t it obvious?” He walks towards his house, ladder neatly tucked under his arm. “Santa needs to go through the chimney, doesn’t he?”

Oh, yeah. Santa needs to go through the chimney. Of course. Duh. 

…No. Wait. Woah. Woah. “Woah woah  _woah_.” Sousuke’s sweating profusely but his outfit is only half of the reason now. “I thought I was going to go through the front door.”

Makoto’s eyebrows furrow in genuine confusion. “Why would Santa go through the front door?”

Sousuke stares at Makoto, who stares straight back. Sousuke had always considered Makoto the most sensible of the Iwatobi group. After all, there’s Haru who’s sexually attracted to water. Nagisa…is an evil little twerp. Rei’s way too much of a perfectionist, too. And he’s also pretty sure there’s something going on with Rei and Nagisa. And then, he supposes, there’s Gou. But she’s Rin’s little sister, so he’d probably be fed to the sharks if he ever even  _smiled_ in her direction. Not to mention her little…uh…thing with muscles.  

So yeah. Compared to them, Makoto is a godsend. But looking at the innocent, clueless expression on his face, Sousuke’s about to retract everything he’s ever known about this guy. 

"I’m not…" He shivers at the thought. "I’m not climbing down a chimney, Makoto." 

Oh. Shit. There it is again: Makoto’s pout. 

He tries to look away, he really does. But he can’t. And Makoto’s sniveling now, there’s nothing he can do.

He’s a whipped, ugly Santa. 

"If I fall, it’s all on you." Sousuke grimaces, already feeling the dust and soot about to cluster all over his body. 

"Don’t worry." Makoto smiles as if he can read Sousuke’s mind. "The last time we used the fireplace, we cleaned it the day after."

Sousuke gulps. “…And when exactly  _was_ the last time you used the fireplace?”

"Only a week ago," Makoto assures him. "Now, if you would please…" He hoists the ladder up, digging its legs a few inches deep into the snow. The thing clacks against the shingled roof. 

With a deep breath, Sousuke grabs the ladder and takes one step.

It creaks under his weight. 

"Makoto!" he hisses. "Why can't I go through the front door again?"

"Come on." Sousuke can feel two hands gently pushing him up. "It's perfectly safe."

He takes one more step. This time, the creak is even louder.

"It's fine," he hears behind him.

He doesn't know what _fine_ entails to Makoto, but in _his_ book, this is _far_ from "fine."

Closing his eyes, he takes one more deep breath. Two more. Then as he opens his eyes, he all but scrambles up the ladder.

He can already see the headlines: Ugly Santa Dies on Christmas Day, Cause of Death May be Ladder and Pouty Boyfriend. Okay, that's actually too long to be a headline, but still. It'll be somewhere along those lines.

Wait. He looks down, expecting to see his foot on a ladder rung. But no. It's on the roof. The glorious roof. He made it. He made it.

"I made it!" he screams, throwing his hands up in victory. "I actually made-"

"Shhhhh!" Makoto sharply hisses at him. "What if they hear you?"

But at this point, Sousuke could care less about what _they_ think. Jerks. He was only forced into this because Makoto thought that _they_ would recognize _him_. But apparently not Sousuke. Never mind the fact that Sousuke's been over _their_ house at least thirty times this month. And really, he could care less about _them_ because he's too busy celebrating the fact that he'll get to live to see another day. 

Or maybe not.

Momentarily halting his celebration, he stops to think: now that he's gotten _up_ the roof, how is he going to get _down_ the chimney?

"Okay, Sousuke," Makoto calls out, grabbing his attention. "I'm going to go inside and put a cushion at the bottom of the chimney. Then you'll jump down on my go, okay?"

No. No okay. That is _not_ a good idea. But before Sousuke can voice his protests, Makoto's already gone inside, the front door closing with a groan.

Oh. So _Makoto_ gets to go through the front door but _Santa_ doesn't. Yeah. He sees how it is.

Grumbling to himself, Sousuke trudges across the roof and to the chimney. Standing on the edge, he looks down the brick chimney. "Come on!" Makoto's voice echoes from the bottom. "Jump!"

Try as he might, though, Sousuke can't see the bottom of the thing. And not being able to see the bottom means he can't see how thick this supposed cushion down there is. If there even is one to begin with. 

"Come on!" 

Well, it's now or never. Except he would really prefer that never option here. Honestly, is a Merry Christmas really worth possibly sacrificing his life? 

"Sousuke!" 

Damn it.

Closing his eyes once more, he jumps.

And falls.

And falls.

And falls.

How long is this chimney? Because this is a pretty lengthy drop here. When is he going to-

" _Oof!_ "

-land. 

"Sousuke!" He opens his bleary eyes. Makoto is a blurry vision to behold. "Come on, they might wake up any second now with all your noise." 

 _They_ want to wake up, _he_ wants to sleep. Sounds like a fair trade. 

He tries to roll over but the chimney space is so cramped that he just winds up displacing more dust. 

Tomorrow, he knows, he's going to wake up with multiple scratches and fifty bruises. Dust bunnies float gently down to tickle his frowning face.

Something warm takes his hand, wrapping its fingers along his wrists. Makoto pulls him out of the fireplace.

"Okay." Makoto dusts off his knees, tossing two presents in Sousuke's hands. "This one-" he points at one of them, "-is for Ran and this one-" he points at the other, "-is for Ren. Now go stand by the Christmas tree and I'm going to wake them up."

Sousuke stares at the two gifts bundled in his arms. "Wait." _Damn,_ his voice is muffled through this itchy beard. "I thought that you _didn't_ want them to wake up." 

"No, I didn't want them to wake up to see Santa stuck in the fireplace."

Sousuke internally cries for them. They're going to be woken up in the middle of the night and their only reward will be to see the ugliest Santa in the world. Who's also covered in dust and bruises.

"Okay, I'm going to go wake them-" 

"Santa!"

"Santa Claus!" 

The next thing he knows, Sousuke is sprawled on the floor, two tiny, squirming bodies enveloping him in a hug.

"Uh...ho ho ho. Nice to meet you, kids." He laughs nervously. "But Santa can't give anyone presents until you two get off of Santa." 

The children squeal, rolling off of Sousuke. "Presents!" they cry out in unison.

"Yes, presents." Sousuke looks at the two presents. Now...which one was for who again? Well, there's a red one and a green one, both about the same size. Sousuke scrutinizes the presents, then the twins. Ran is wearing green, so the green one _must_ go to her, right?

"Ahem." Makoto coughs. He inconspicuously points at Ren.

Oh! So the green one was supposed to go to _Ren!_ Now that he thinks about it, Ren is wearing green too.

Sousuke hands them out, green one to Ren, red one to Ran.

Squealing again, they take their gifts in their tiny hands. Ran, always the more impulsive of the two, starts trying to tear the wrapping off her gift. Ren follows suit.

"Wait." Makoto places his hands gently on their shoulders. "What do you say to Santa?" 

They stop their tearing, a few stray pieces of paper drifting to the wooden floor. Smiling at Sousuke, they chant, "Thank you, Santa."

Taking a step forward, Makoto comes to pat Sousuke's good shoulder. "Yeah, thank you, Santa," he whispers gently in his ear.

At that moment, Ran chooses to look up. She starts giggling. "Look!" She points at the Christmas tree. "Mistletoe!" 

Sousuke looks up. Sure enough, the little parasitic plant is...taped to the Christmas tree? Okay, whose bright idea was _that_? 

He looks incredulously at Makoto. Makoto shrugs.

"Makoto has to kiss Santa!" Ren jumps up and down in excitement.

"Kiss! Kiss! Kiss!" Ran chirps, pushing Makoto towards Santa.

Sousuke looks up at the mistletoe. Then back at Makoto. His vision funnels in to Makoto's lips.

Well, he thinks, he _does_ deserve _something_ for this whole charade. 


End file.
